We've all seen the posts advertising baby gear and you get more and more when you do become pregnant thanks to tailored advertising. We get fed this even in waiting rooms at the hospital stuff you NEED if you're going to become a good mother.
Instagram mums have all the latest gadgets and gizmos and at face value have the happiest babies with no colic, no feeding issues, they don't cry or even breathe real oxygen (or so it seems) and it makes you feel like you need this stuff.
1. I recently saw an advert for a changing mat with a lamp embedded into it for night changes. WHY?! Do you not have eyes? Have you not been eating your carrots? Have you not got a light fitting in your room? Buy a lamp!
2. Sleeping pillows. So you want to go against all safe sleep and lullaby trust guidelines for what? Your baby sleeps an hour longer? Maybe two? You signed up to be a Mom, sleepless nights are a given. They come with the soiled diaper package. It's a pillow! Your baby won't be comfy, it's just been evicted from the comfiest place in the world. But they will get used to it. Have patience.
3. Wipe warmers. Just what even? Imagine soiling your pants and using a warm wipe to clean yourself. A wipe that's probably dried out because of evaporation. No.
4. Baby timer apps. Again imagine being exhausted (I'm sure this won't be hard) and being woken up in the middle of your sleep to have a bottle or a tit shoved in your mouth that you didn't actually want right then. All because Gina Ford says you can't sleep more than four hours without food.
5. Diaper genies. I actually got these before having my first baby. All that ended up happening was I had two bags of shit in my living room for weeks before they got full enough to be emptied. Think flies. That's all.
6. Pee teepee. Literally a little cone to put on your baby boys willy whilst you change his nappy so he doesn't pee on you. If you're not covered in piss at changing times you're doing it wrong.
7. Changing table. If you need the chest of drawers anyway then by all means get one. But if you're literally buying a table to change your baby you need to reconsider your life decisions. What's wrong with the floor?
8. Snowsuits. Blankets, coats, and hats are the way to go.
9. Personalized clothing. Why? In case you pick up the wrong baby at play group. Oh no! This baby says Mercedes on it, I'm looking for McKenzie! Waste of money!
10. Diaper stacker. Literally an item to hold your diapers in a stack. You know, like the bag they already come in.
11. Nursing covers. I've had one of these. My baby is sat screaming while I figure out a double knot one handed behind my neck to tie it in place. Then it keeps getting caught in between my breast and baby's mouth and baby keeps pulling it off. It's just horrendous. Use a muslin cloth instead.
12. Baby hairbrush. Have you given birth to Rapunzel? If not, stop.
13. Pram for jogging. Leave this post you don't belong here.