LadiesâŚand the gents who are here purely for the word âvaginaâ in the post title:
If there is one thing I can advise you to do before you have kids, it is this: Take a photo of your hoohaa.
Yes, you read that right. Take a photo⌠take a million photos! Use the flash, try a few different angles, send some to your other half if you really want toâŚand then file those babies away under âmemories I will weep overâ and keep everything crossed. Literally, if you want those images to be true to life for a little while longer.
One day, you will get that handheld mirror out and you wonât be able to remember how things used to beâŚand youâll be glad of those photos. Bounce on bouncy castles. Jump on trampolines. Wear that thong and Brazilian wax that baby to high heaven â sheâs got you. You and your âyet to grow a real-life humanâ body and super strong pelvic floorâŚlease excuse me for a moment whilst I cry in the cornerâŚ
Even if you donât plan on pushing something the size of a watermelon through the smallest fairy door âŚTHINGS HAPPEN to your nether regions during pregnancy. Parts swell up with the increased blood flow. Put it this way: One day youâll be happily oblivious to the lettuce leaves, and the next youâll sit down only to discover they resemble a cactus leafâŚ.and not just because you missed your bikini wax, or havenât been able to reach down there with a razor since the 2nd trimester. It's not forever, but it might have some lasting effect, right?
Then there are the stretch marks â you wonât find out about these until after the birth, mainly because you wonât be able to see past your belly button, but if you grow big babies and carry them low, itâs not just your tummy that stretches. Oh no.
How about the pelvic floor? You canât see it, but you know its thereâŚlike a supportive hammock holding up the entirety of your body parts between navel and knees. Imagine a little teeny, tiny hammock made for rocking a small water balloonâŚ.then all of a sudden youâve got 8lbs of sugar on there as wellâŚswinging high becomes swinging low. Kegal the shit out of life from now on girls, I promise it helps.
Basically, my fellow females, babies can ruin your bits. ESPECIALLY if you push a big one out. Iâve talked before about that well-known song âwhen two become oneâ penned - I am sure - with my vaganus in mind. THANK GOD for dissolvable stitchesâŚturns out a perineum is NOT considered an important part of the anatomy by your babyâs head. GOD, they are worth it though arenât they? I mean they really are. If you really, really want a baby and itâs not happening for you â youâd probably give your right arm for the chance. A bit of vaginal damage is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things, BUT, it does not mean we canât have a good old moan about it.
When all is said and done, Iâm quite lucky â it still WORKS! Iâd just like to have the old one back. Iâd quite like my old abdomen back too whilst Iâm making a list, and my 8 hours sleep a nightâŚbut look what I got instead!
While weâre here, if youâre looking for some info on how to prevent teenage pregnancies or just pregnancy in general, just send them a link to this post. Watch them run for the hills; Whilst they still can without A: wetting themselves or B: their insides falling out of their abdominal wall. Toodles! See you girls in ten yearsâ time when youâve built up a backlog of nudes.
